MNCT 858
Relationships from the Inside-Out

February 25, 2013

"Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as George Clooney, as smart as Stephen Hawking, as noble as the Dalai Lama, as funny as Graham Norton, and as athletic as Usain Bolt. Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Graham Norton, as smart as Usain Bolt, as funny as Stephen Hawking, as athletic as the Dalai Lama and nothing like George Clooney - but you'll take him anyway."

- inspired by Judith Viorst, and with thanks to my Facebook friends for the assist!

Michael Michael Neill is an internationally renowned success coach and the best-selling author of You Can Have What You Want, Feel Happy Now!, the Effortless Success audio program and Supercoach: 10 Secrets to Transform Anyone's Life. He has spent the past 22 years as a coach, adviser, friend, mentor and creative spark plug to celebrities, CEO's, royalty, and people who want to get more out of their lives. His books have been translated into 13 languages, and his public talks and seminars have been well received at the United Nations and around the world. Read More...

 Upcoming Events

March 22nd - 24th
Learning How to Thirive
Maui, Hawaii

April 6th - 7th
Supercoach Masterclass Series
London, England

April 8th
Original Grace @ Alternatives
London, England

April 10th
The Inside Out Revolution @ Tree of Life
Birmingham, England

April 12th
Creativity from the Inside Out
Cheltenham, England

More events...

 My Latest Book



  Tell A Friend
Feel free to share this tip with your friends and reprint it in your blogs and forums providing you include an author credit, full copyright information and a link back to

Did you get this from a friend? Get your very own subscription to the weekly MNCT!

 Connect with Michael

Twitter Twitter

"Like" my fan page on Facebook!

 Share this Tip


  Genius Catalyst Cafe Members

Not a cafe member yet? To sign up and learn more, click here!

Welcome to 74 new subscribers this week!

If you enjoy today's tip, please share it with your friends, family and colleagues on Facebook, Twitter, Google+ and more - simply click on the button at the end of the tip to share...

 The UK revolution is set to begin...

I've got a series of events coming up in the UK this April as a pre-cursor to the release of my new book, The Inside-Out Revolution.  Although the book won't be available in stores until May, we'll have advanced copies available on each of our live events!

1. Supercoach Masterclass Weekend (6+7 April)
Jamie SmartNancy KlineAaron TurnerMichael Neill

This is the last of the four Masterclass weekends, and we'll be finishing strong with Jamie Smart, Nancy Kline, Dr. Aaron Turner, and me working with people live in front of the room and taking your questions as we do.

If you can't join us live in London, we do have a virtual option - book your ticket for either option by clicking on the link

2. I will be also be doing a series of live talks followed by book signings while I'm over - these are likely to sell out, so please reserve your ticket in advance via the links below:
 This Week on SUPERCOACH Radio

Thursday, February 28th at Noon Pacific/3pm Eastern/8pm UK

Overcoming Creative Blocks

When it comes to expressing your creativity, do you ever feel like you're losing the war of art? Phone in live to get coaching on getting unstuck and tapping into the creative potential of the mind!

HayhouseTo reach me live on air:

Inside the US (Toll free)

From the UK/Outside the US

You can listen to the show this and every Thursday - simply go to at Noon pacific/8pm UK and click on the button marked "Listen Now".

Did you miss our most recent live show called DON'T PLAY TO WIN? For a limited time you can listen to it here. You can also download and listen to any of my shows at any time as part of your subscription to the new and improved Genius Catalyst Café - click here for details!

iPhoneListen to the show from your iPhone!
Simply go to the Apps Store to download your free Hay House Radio App and within minutes you'll be able to listen to great shows from Wayne Dyer, Cheryl Richardson, and of course, me!

 Relationships from the Inside-Out

If you're a regular reader of these tips, you’ll know that the fundamental understanding of life that I write, teach, and coach from is what I call “the inside-out paradigm”. The inside-out paradigm says that our experience of life comes one hundred percent from thought in the moment. In other words, we don’t experience life, circumstances, or other people; we experience our thinking about life, our thinking about circumstances, and our thinking about other people. 

Now, that turns out to be a ridiculously significant fact, because when you look deeper into the nature of thought and how it works, you start to see that a lot of the things that we do in the world to try to cheer ourselves up and make ourselves feel more loved and whole are based on a fundamentally flawed understanding. 

The problem isn't that we’re not sincere in what we want; the problem is we don't understand where to look to get it. Trying to get better feelings by changing your circumstances or your partner is like going to a vending machine that sells candy and wondering why you’re not getting a steak dinner. It just doesn’t work that way.

In order to better understand how it actually does work, particularly in the arena of loving relationships, I'd like to propose a radical possibility:

At any moment, you're either in your thoughts or you're in love.

When we’re in love, we’re feeling the deeper feeling of love and aliveness and connection that’s always there when we’re not caught up in our thinking. In these moments, we don’t care what our partner does with the toothpaste cap – we barely even care whether or not they use toothpaste.   

But when we’re not in that feeling, everything starts to matter. After all, is it really OK to feel a deep sense of love and connection for someone if they don’t put the toilet seat up or down? What if they’re not neat enough or messy enough? What if they said something mean to my mother?

When we’re up in our heads and out of touch with the feeling, we start to question everything. “Are we still in love?” we think to ourselves.  “Were we ever?” So we resign ourselves to another goddamn learning experience and resolve to move forward, sadder but wiser. “I still love you”, we tell our future ex-partner, “but I’m not in love with you anymore.”

Yet the moment we recognize that we’re living in the feeling of our thinking, not the world, those same thoughts about the life or death importance of an errant sock or misspent twenty dollar bill don’t tell us we have irreconcilable differences – they alert us to the fact that we're disconnected from love and we’ve lost our way.

To illustrate that point more clearly, here's my version of an analogy which I originally heard from my mentor George Pransky:

Imagine that you live in a drafty house with a beautiful fireplace. And it’s kind of cold in the house but by the fire it’s amazing.  So you build a fire and you’re sitting by the fire and it’s beautiful.  You’re about to settle in for a lovely evening by the fire with a glass of wine and your beloved at your side, when you feel just a little bit of a draft from the window over to the side of the house. You know you could leave it, but you decide that you really want to enjoy the evening by the fire with your beloved and it would be so much easier to do that if there wasn’t that darned draft.

So you tell your sweetheart “Hang on, honey – I’m just going to go over and shut that window.” And you go over to the window but it won’t quite shut, because it’s a bit warped from the rain. So you go to get a file from the part of the house where you keep your tools, so you can file it down and it will fit nice and tight and snug.

But on your way to get the file you notice there’s another window in the hall that’s had a hole in it that you’ve been meaning to fix for ages, and you decide you’d better tape it up because that’s letting in cold air as well.

Of course, no sooner do you get the tape than you remember there’s a few other things that you’ve been planning to work on,and as long as you’re in “fix it” mode, you may as well take care of them all so that once everything's resolved, you can really relax and just enjoy being with your beloved.

And by the time you’ve got everything fixed, you come back into the living room and the fire’s gone out and your beloved is gone.

At some point, you recognize that what’s important in a relationship is not all the stuff, the issues, or the "compatibility", but rather that warm glow of loving connection that gets amplified when we’re hanging out with another human being with relatively little on our mind. Once you see that for yourself, you’re just not that inclined to leave the warm embrace of love to chase the illusory mantle of perfection. Given the choice, you’re more likely to opt for a beautiful evening by the fireplace, even while being fully aware that there are little drafts and noises and even broken windows in the house.

It’s not that you won’t ever get around to mending them; it’s just when you see the inside-out nature of our experience, it makes no sense to take yourself out of connection with your partner in order to fix an issue that only seems important when the connection is absent.

Have fun, learn heaps, and happy relating!

With all my love,

Tweet This! Share

Wealth WarriorPS -Thank you for subscribing!

I was incredibly honored when Steve Chandler dedicated his book Wealth Warrior to me, and I'm blown away that he's allowing me to offer a free download of the e-book version to all my subscribers.

If you've ever wondered whether you have what it takes to make plenty of money as a part of your wonderful life, the stories and stratagems in this book will help take you from wherever you are to wherever you wan to be.

There are no strings attached and no forms to fill in - just follow this link to get instant access.
Copyright 2013 Michael Neill. All Rights Reserved
Did you get this from a friend? Get your very own subscription to the weekly MNCT!